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20 May 2009 @ 09:57 pm

I think that lately, my world has been making less sense.

Just to scratch the surface, my "grandpa" died two weeks ago. Needless to say, it hit home with my family and I. I was reduced to a tearless, throbbing pile of angst. And yes, I understand that the word "angst" is much too overused. So I'll cut to the chase: Everything happens for a reason and good or bad, there's nothing you can do to stop it. My approach to this topic has been very withdrawn. If I think about the enormity of my situations, I tend to clam up into a state of silent superstition. Everyone seems like they're out to get me and everything that goes wrong becomes my fault.

A few days before my grandpa died, the first --and last-- time I saw him since his stroke, I was devastated. His weak and fragile body turned my spur-of-the-moment confidence into utter despair. I sobbed, my chest heaving uncontrollably. When my sobs faded to a more fair crying, I decided it was time to say goodbye (little did I know, for the final time) to him. I walked over to his hospice bed and leaned over him, taking his small, cold hand in my unusually warm one. I thought that he'd have forgotten my name, since the stroke had killed half of his brain cells, but to my astonishment, he murmured, "Ash.... ley...." I looked at him with wide eyes, the tears building more. "Ash.... ley.... I.... love.... you....," he said slowly in his whispery voice. Thus, more sobbing. He asked why I was crying. My sorry self couldn't render the words, so my mother answered for me, "Because she loves you." I bit my lip, ashamed that I was crying in front of one of the strongest people I knew. He softly ordered me to not cry for him because he didn't want me to. I obeyed and stopped crying. Then, after I gave him a kiss on the forehead, I left and sat in my room for three hours, unable to finish my homework. These past two weeks, I haven't cried for him. I admit, I was close to breaking down from the weight of all of my homework and drama with friends with his death now on top of it. All I have to do is remember him telling me to refrain from crying, and the shivers and watery eyes disappear.

The hardest day to keep true to his request was the day that I found out that he passed away. I had just gotten back from a community service event with the rest of the assigned Color Guard: Brian, Colin, and Chris Coleman. I had managed to get changed back into my civilian clothes and was waiting out by the hatch to leave when my mom called. She told me that he passed away and I said a simple, "Okay." and hung up. I slumped against the wall and slid down until I was sitting on the floor. The first thing that shook were my shoulders. Then, my chest started to shudder. I started off into space for a few minutes, letting it sink in. Brian and Gunner came out of the locker room, Brian with his skateboard and Gunner looked like he was going to go into the office. As Brian was walking up the stairs to leave, Gunner noticed me and said, "Redman." I didn't answer. His voice kind of slipped through me. Brian immediately stopped and turned around to look. "Redman," Gunner repeated, "What's wrong?" I told him that my grandfather died. Brian turned around fully to face me. I still stared off at nothing. I don't remember what Gunner said, but I'm pretty sure he was asking if there was anything he could do to help. I kept saying, "No, sir. No, sir. No, sir." Gunner nodded and went back into the locker room. In my peripherals, I noticed Brian walk over and sit on the stairs near me. He said, "I know how you feel. My mom died two weeks ago."
So, a lot has happened in the past few weeks.

First being that a few days after my last post, my friend Brian's mom passed away. He missed school for five days, and Monique missed for two or three. Devastating...

Really, I have nothing to complain about in comparison to a loss like that...

But here's my gripe:

I got a bad grade in Algebra that brought my overall grade down to a D+, which triggered a chain reaction of events. My mom yelled, threatened to ground me in the strangest ways, got pissed at everyone. I think we're cool now, though. Three of my C's are now B's, so I'm doing well.

Uhh... I really don't know how to put this.
I refuse to admit that I have a crush on anyone. Because they're stupid and they ruin new friendships. But I'm not gonna deny the fact that I like my friend Jono. I don't like-like him--I don't think--but I like him more than a lot of my friends. He's not some pussy poser that pretends to be something they're not. I totally respect him, too. Kinda showed me how to be me, if that makes any sense. And he prolly doesn't even give a crap that he helped. We complain to eachother about tools and jerks and preps and sluts at school. I thought we were buds and stuff.

But then he just mentioned that Cosi, our friend, is his new replacement for Karen, his past crush. I don't know if he likes her, and kudos to him if he does, but it just bugs me that someone else can spring into his life and get all this attention from him.

Oh well, that's the ugly girl's burden.

Time for more crunches and curls.
Current Location: Room.
Current Mood: distressedmeh
Current Music: While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles
I'm so tired.

I've been up since 3:45 this morning. Got ready for the competition. Went to school. Ward and I were the only ones there. It was five or ten minutes before someone else showed up.

Anyways, the competition went pretty well, other than the inspections. Armed Regulation Drill was great. Poule stayed in-step and aligned to me, which was a miracle. I don't think anyone screwed up during the actual drill portion. But the inspection was horrible. No one knew their knowledge. I actually studied last night and memorized the general orders that I didn't know. And with my luck, the cadet D.I. asked me to recite those two that I learned. What a concept: studying before a competition. Geez... :/ A few guys only knew their first general order, and they were all higher ranks than me (except for Sanchez, he's a staff sergeant, too).

The Color Guard inspection was sort of worse, though. Holtson called Unsling Arms, and we executed it correctly. Drew and I marched out and caught the cased colors. We loosened the tie, and made sure that the opening of the case was as loose as possible. Blink. Step. Blink. Step. Blink. Step. Drew was having trouble folding his case. I went as slowly as possible. But Drew decided to just leave his case folded incorrectly. It's not like mine was perfect. But I was almost positive that I could get it into the koala pouch. We tucked the folded cases under our slings. Blink. Face. I shout, "Present-" Clack. "-Arms!" Salute. I paused, looking over Holtson's shoulder. "Order... Arms!" Clack. Holtson called Post March and we stepped, stepped, stepped, faced, stepped, faced, together. I flipped the koala pouch open and it only took me maybe ten seconds to get the case in. However, Drew's case wouldn't fit into the pouch. So he had to re-fold it. Twice. I kept my hand on my respective koala pouch, ready to signal to Holtson that we were ready. It felt like five minutes. It might have been more. But finally, Drew managed to get the case into the pouch without breaking his bearing (from what I could tell). Poke. Holtson called... something. Drew and I faced, stepped, together, faced, stepped, together. Ready, cut. "Sling-" Clack. "-Arms!" The rifles flip under and around and then back into our hips. Clack. Clack. We tightened our slings. Then, clack. Clack. Port Arms.

After that, we did the actual regulation. I'm pretty sure we went off the drill pad. I was up on a curb and almost fell onto Holtson. There was no way in hell that I was going to break my bearing and have him get mad at me even more.

Unarmed went pretty smoothly. I don't feel like describing anything. But here's a picture... Or not.

Screw this, I'm going to mope.
Tags: , ,
Current Location: My Lair
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: She's a Rebel - Green Day
So I haven't updated in a while.

Here's the deal with Dylan:
Last Thursday, he and I were walking down a street after the AP Euro review session. As I went to go the opposite way from him, he stopped me. He told me that he doesn't like me as much as I like him. That he only likes me as a friend. My guts churned inside, agonized. I nodded. "Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, totally." I played the strong one until we parted. I walked to Rite Aid and bought a Pina Colada flavored Sobe (I wanted to drink myself away, so why not drink something like alcohol, but way safer?). I walked to the library after that. The whole time, walking, I was fighting to keep from making a scene and embarrassing myself. I wanted to throw my binder on the ground and just cry. But my proud-self told me that I'd just be letting another guy get to me. So I obeyed and kept walking. I didn't start crying until I got to the library. Which sucked, because my nose got runny and I kept sniffling. The woman sitting at the table in front of me, with her back towards me, kept looking back at my sorry self. Eyes watery, red, and puffy, cheeks tear-stained, nose dripping. I looked like a sad excuse for a weepy child. But now, I'm kinda over him. As long as I keep telling myself that I don't like anyone, it'll become true. I think I should just shut up and keep my feelings to myself when they make themselves known to me. I won't tell anyone next time. Telling Dylan was a mistake. And I wish I hadn't told him.

Now that I'm done being whiny, I'll brag about ROTC. Maybe that'll distract me. I hate bragging though... Oh well. This is my journal, so whatever. At least I'm not whining and bragging to other people. Well, I got promoted to Cadet Staff Sergeant... :D Which I'm totally stoked about. By the looks of things, I'll be a Cadet Gunnery Sergeant by banquet. And as if being promoted rank-wise wasn't enough, I was promoted from Squad Leader to Platoon Sergeant! *happy dance* That's two billet-ranks above Squad Leader! I think... But anyways... It seems like ROTC is the only thing that can make me happy, nowadays.

Uhh... Well another cool thing is that I'm talking to Jono a lot more, recently. I like that kid. Not like-like. But he's one of those people that I know that I want to be tight with. He hates people. So do I. He introduced me to Megadeth and Judas Priest. I'm so glad he's my friend. This sounds all sappy, but I'm serious. :/


Too much sweet sap.

Current Location: in my roooooom
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Romeo and Juliet - The Killers
Today was pretty eventful.
(Notice how I start like, all my entries with "Today"? I'm so tricky.)

Since school was stupid and stuff, I'll just skip to everything afterschool.

Mo, Brian, Travis and I planned on walking down to LBJ's to grab some food and then go to the Marines Recruiting Station. We got our food and walked the two blocks over and it was closed. So we just sat on the staircase and ate our food.

Then, we walked back towards the school. Since Mo had to go home, I decided to go to the library and wait till 6:45 to go to the auditorium to get myself seats. It was great. My mom happened to see me walking down PCH, so she drove up and I hopped in and we drove around for a while.

Then, I went to the auditorium. Dylan was there, so I pretty much clung to him so I wouldn't end up sitting alone. He told me I could sit with him. I was happy. So we went and sat close to the front. I was being all awkward and I coulda sworn that I pissed him off somehow, but I guess not. Then Josh and Jono came and sat next to Dylan.

Play passed by. It was great, all my good friends did well. Especially Kyle. He gets honorable mention because he kicked ass.

Screw this, it's already tomorrow.
Current Location: My Lair
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Adam's Song - blink-182
Let me start this off in the same manner as my past few entries...



And usually, I'll find some little Dylan-related occurance that made it suck less.

So here's the Dylan-related ocurrance for today:
I went over to meet him by Euro. He walked out and hugged me, as par usual. And Moe was like, "Help me settle this: what do you think of that band Red Eyes?" I was confused. Dylan corrected him, "It's Bright Eyes." I smirked and said, "Oh, Bright Eyes is great!" Moe was all huffy and he said, "I'm not talkin' to you guys anymore! >:P" and he walked away. Dylan and I walked to his locker, like usual. And he opened it, then promptly slammed it, as usual. I never realized how close I walked to him until today. I noticed it and kinda got embarrassed... Because of all of my Color Guard stuff, I've gotten used to walking shoulder-to-shoulder with people. And I guess I subconsciously wanna keep doing that. I'm worried that it kinda creeps him out.

He must feel weird having a little leech such as myself follow him around. And so closely, too. No wonder he never replies to my IMs and text messages.

I'm going to lay down and think about how much I wish he would like me.

Current Location: My Lair
Current Mood: drainedponderous
Current Music: Teenager in Love - Dion & The Belmonts
Valentine's Day was horrible. I really didn't like having to sit at the bowling alley with a bunch of couples in the lanes around us just sitting and making out. It was very uncomfortable. I really don't like V-day. Kinda lame.

All day, I've been trying to keep a positive outlook. My mom gave me a $15 iTunes gift card. I bought "10 Things I Hate About You", My Name is Jonas by Weezer and the original version of Creep by Radiohead, so I have $8 left. I also got a new shirt at F.Y.E. for $5. It's really cool-looking... But when I put it on, it instantly lost cool points. It's a little too tight, but whatever.

I've been trying to talk to Dylan all day, but he's been really short with me. It's kinda making me worried. My mind keeps telling me that I should stop bothering him altogether so he can escape my annoying questions and stuff. I really wish I could just turn off my emotions so I wouldn't bother people. Especially Dylan, cuz I try to talk to him all the time. I really like him... Maybe a little too much. I notice everything about him. For example, he told me that he was going to log off and that he'd text me. That was a half hour ago, and still no text. Maybe he's busy. I don't know, but it makes me think that he really wants me to lay off. He told me that the reason why he doesn't reply to me sometimes is that he's just really forgetful. I guess I need to chill out and stop thinking that he hates me.

Because the other day, afterschool, he, Josh, and I walked over to the library to see Wall-E. At first, Josh wasn't gonna go because of his guitar lessons, but he changed his mind. So I had met Dylan over by Euro, as par usual. We walked to his locker, which he opened and closed, and started walking down to the lie-berry. Josh had met up with us and started walking, too, cuz Kyle was with him, but had to go to rehearsals. So, the three of us walked to the library and up to the room where they were gonna show Wall-E. We all hit the snacks and stood around awkwardly until the blonde lady told us that she was going to start the movie.

At this point, I was kinda thinking that Dylan and Josh were just going to sit by themselves, because they sat down together, with one empty space between Dylan and some random guy. So I thought he didn't want me near him. This creepy dude Eric kept patting his lap when I was looking around for somewhere to sit. I sat down next to my friend Zac Commins (Zachary Alexander Commins, lol) and kinda started an inner pity-party. I texted Dylan, ";_;" and struck up a conversation with Zac. Though, I kept sneaking peeks at Dylan. I love to look at him... Wow, that seems creepy. >_> But anyways, I saw him look down, then look at me. I did a pouty-lip for effect and then he looked back down. I knew he was replying. "O.O You know, I saved a seat for you..." was the text that came a few seconds later. I felt so retarded. I got up and pretended to go to the trash can, then nonchalantly slipped into the seat next to him.

I don't specifically remember too much, but I guess I remember that Dylan kept getting up during the movie to go and get Oreos. :P It was funny--and creepy--because whenever he'd sit back down, my heart would skip a few beats. Cheesy, I know, but it's true. I get all up in a tizzy when it comes to Dylan.

Monique had called me, so I ran out of the room to take the call. She asked me where I was, and sounded pissed at me. I was kinda sad, because I didn't mean for her to get mad at me. I don't like seeing her upset cuz I know it bothers her, too. So when I went back in, Dylan asked me what happened and I told him that Mo was pissed at me. Later, when Mo called again, it was to tell me to meet her. So when I came back in, I grabbed my bag and sat back down next to Dylan. I said that I had to leave and both Dylan and Josh seemed bummed that I was gonna leave. So I said "bye" and was about to leave, and Dylan said, "I was gonna offer to walk you down to the door, but I guess not..." I was like, "Nawww, let's go. c:" So we were walking down and he kept saying that I should just tell Mo to fuck off, but I told him that I was sleeping over at her house and that I didn't need her to be mad at me. He laughed. When we got to the door, he said, "Well, it was great seeing you." and I said, "Yeah, you too..." And we hugglededed. I love hugging him. And I already described his hugs, so yeah.

I wish I were less stupid.
Current Location: My Lair
Current Mood: cynicalmildly cynical
Current Music: Peace Sells - Megadeth
I spent almost all day being mopey. But... It wasn't all that bad, I suppose.

Zero was funny cuz I was trying to ask how to say "reunion" in Spanish, so I could say, "I am celebrating the reunion of blink-182" for Charlemos. (That's when she asks us a question in Spanish and we have to reply in Spanish. So, I said, "Estoy celebrando para la reunion de blink-182." This creepy chick that sits on the opposite side of the room said, "They're back together?! Thatsch aweschume!!" (In case you can't tell, she has a terrible lisp.) We lol'd at her for being weird. It was great.

Hmm, second period was the worst period of the day, I think. All we did was do grammar crap that we already know. But there was one cool part: I got to talk to this cool dude Jon Diaz a bit. We had to write out this paragraph about some guy and then switch stuff around, so my paragraph ended up being about lawyers. (Because that was the first thing that came to mind, haha.) So I was telling this girl about how I wrote it about lawyers, and Jon goes, "What, were the the guys from Phoenix Wright?" I LOL'd. We talked about the game for a while... Then, we talked about Pokeman, cuz Kieran kept using the word "swagger" in his paragraph. And I was like, "ATTACK HAS RISEN, BUT KIERAN IS CONFUSED." Jon lol'd and Kieran just mock-glared at me. Josh and I kept sending pictures of stuff we drew to eachother. He drew some creepy guy saying "I zuk yor dik." And I drew Samuel Jackson saying, "SNAKES ON MY G*DD*M PLANE?!!? F*CK!!!" It was funnyyy...

Algebra was gay as always. Though, I did draw a lot. I drew my comic for the newspaper.

Journalism was stupid. All we did was grammar. So basically, I've been doing grammar all day. But with journalism, we did AP Style grammar. Which is the more grammar-nazi kinda stuff. (The stuff that is a little less simple, even for me.) Then, Carolyn walked in and said, "Josh. Ashley. Which of you has time to draw a last-minute comic for me?" Josh turned around and said, "Oh, Ashley has the time." And he pointed to me. I got all huffy and said, "Oh yeah? What'll you be busy with, dinkin' around on Myspace?" His eyes narrowed, then he turned back around, no more words to be said. So I'm going to draw this freaking comic for the paper. Even though I really don't want to. -_-

As soon as the bell rang, though, my sorry little ass wanted to walk over to see Dylan. But by the time I got over to his class, everyone was gone. Oh yeah, I saw him when I was walking to lunch today. I smiled and waved and he just kinda waved a little. (This totally freaked me out, cuz at the time, I thought he was upset with me.) I was texting him during seventh period. He said that he was mad and didn't know why. And now, he has a headache. :/ Pobrecito... >_< I really want to call him and see if he wants to talk, but I fear rejection. :T

So, since I got volunteered to draw this comic, I should get to work. -__-

Hablo luego~
Current Location: My Lair
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Fixing a Hole - The Beatles
Today was pretty lame.

Fontno touched my butt. And he was standing really close to me. And he was staring at me. I cannot stand that boy. >:[

Coleman kept standing near me. Ew. Plus, he followed Mo, Brian, and I to McDonald's after seventh period was let out. He claimed that he was trying to get away from Fontno, who was allegedly trying to get him to smoke weed or something. Load of crap, I think. I just ignored him, most of the time. -_-

It sucks, I think I'm annoying Dylan. It's really sad, on my part, to see how much I crave to speak with him... :c I usually go and meet him after sixth period, but I don't know if I'll do that tomorrow, since it seems like he doesn't want anything to do with me. I've been trying to text him, but he hasn't replied. Sure, it's possible that he didn't see them, but I really am convinced that he wants me to leave him alone. I told him that I'd try to stop thinking that he hates me and stuff, but it's really hard when he's giving me reason to believe that he does. ;_; But... I must remember that he's forgetful (oh, the irony) and that his phone is wonky sometimes.


How I wish that I could see him more often. I just want to know the truth: does he hate me or does he like me? I can honestly say that I don't think he likes me, like he said that he did. But then again, I can't expect him to be as 'oooh, i like someone' as I am. Hahaha. I'm arguing with myself.

I could let this go on and on and on, but alas... I have to finish writing my story for the paper. Which was due yesterday...

I hate journalism.

Off to work, now. I still have 144 words or so left for my story. Aiming for 500.

Peace, ya'll.

Oh yeah! I forgot to mention that Colin already has a new girlfriend. Lauren. MY Lauren Loo. My commander. My slightly-annoying-but-I-love-her-anyway Lauren. This is rather comical. But... I don't think it'll last that long. I don't know what to make of this. Oh well, if horny, bad kissers are Lauren's style, then so be it. Have it her way.
Current Mood: contemplative^ :(
Current Music: Coming Undone - KoRn
So... Today was pretty sucky, in all. It wasn't completely horrible, I guess. But the fact that I knew that Dylan was home, sick, kept me on edge with worry. I'm irrational, sometimes. -__-

Lesseee... Zero period was stupid, as usual. Nothing special. >_>

ROTC was kinda stupid, but I don't really care. We re-sized the platoon cuz so many people dropped at the end of the semester. So now, my squad is all jacked up. I have two cadets in it that don't give a crap about ROTC. The other three are amazing kids, and they're my precious babies. :3 I can be protective of my little chickadees, sometimes. Callaghan, Williams, and Holcombe. They're awesome. ^_^ But anyways, after we re-sized the platoon, we did some cleaning then went outside to drill. Here was the most stupid part of ROTC today: no one knows how to drill. No matter how many times we go over drilling, they don't retain anything. There are exceptions, of course, but most of these people can't even march correctly. Kind of irritating when you have to re-try just marching. Sighhhh...

In Euro, all we did was go over the SGQ's and stuff. We also watched a Powerpoint on Romanticism and stuff. It was pretty cool, since a lot of the artwork on there was very well done.

Bio was meh. All we did was sit and talk about random things, since Bhare didn't seem to want to make us take too many notes. So I sat next to my friend Weston and we complained about stuff. And we exchanged phone numbers and we were texting. Mahahahhaa.

Seventh period was fine, I guess. Annoying as heck though, cuz Fontno is in it now. *nauseated* That boy pisses me off in too many ways. Oh! We did get to learn how to spin our rifles!!! That was fun... But I hurt myself and got mud on my jeans. -_-

But yeah... To sum it all up nicely: I spent all day thinking about Dylan. :|

Why do I do these things to myself...?

I'd disclose more of my thoughts if I weren't so paranoid.... -_-
Current Location: My Lair
Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: Always - blink-182